President Obama Answers the Red Phone: A Play in One Uncaring Act.
Posted by: madamab on: May 29, 2009
THE SCENE: It’s 3:00 (in the afternoon) at the White House. Fresh from his second workout (and fourth cigarette) of the day, an energized PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA sits in his private quarters with his Chief of Staff and closest confidant, RAHM (RahmBo) EMANUEL. The room has been overdecorated, butofcourse, in Louis XIV WannaBe.
As the lights come up, OBAMA and RAHMBO are relaxing and chatting in overstuffed, purple velvet chairs with gold braid around the edges. It’s time for their daily chore of listening and responding to OBAMA’s messages on the Red Phone, which is so tricked out, it would look right at home on the bridge of The Enterprise.
OBAMA (with his trademark grin): Well, Rahmbo, are ya ready? Today’s messages should be great.
RAHMBO: Fuckin’ A! Can’t wait to see how your “Balls of Steel” national security speech went over.
(RAHMBO hits “Play”. The phone beeps and begins playing back the messages.)
RED PHONE (in mechanical male voice): Message One. From: Richard Cheney.
(CHENEY’S VOICE comes on. Unfortunately, it is nothing but snarling gibberish. The brief message ends, and the phone beeps.)
OBAMA: Whoooops! I should have known Cousin Dick would call. Lucky for me, George built a Cheney-To-English Translator right into this phone. Let me see – I think it’s this one. (Hits a button) Okay, Rahmbo, try again.
(RAHMBO hits ”Play” again.)
CHENEY’S VOICE: Hey, Cuz, great job on that national security speech of yours. I was worried everyone was going to notice that it was the same as mine, but that speechwriter of yours is worth every penny! Oh, and thanks for the cover on torture. It would have been a real drag to go to jail for a “no-brainer” like waterboarding. See you in Paraguay on July 4th – George is bringing the barbeque! Peace out!
(The phone beeps.)
RAHMBO: Should we call him back?
OBAMA: Naaaaahhhh. I’ll talk to him over the weekend, like always. Any more?
RAHMBO: Yup - we’re pretty full up today. (presses “Play” again)
RED PHONE: Message Deleted. Next Message, From: Benjamin Netanyahu.
NETANYAHU’S VOICE: Mr. President, Shalom. I would like to know why you are being so intractable on the matter of the West Bank settlements, while putting no pressure at all on the Palestinian leadership to recognize Israel’s right to exist and defend itself. I don’t think we are ever going to have peace this way, Mr. President. Please call me back. (The machine beeps.)
OBAMA (snippily, responding to the message): Yeah, well, Benjamin, I’m doing the best I can with this mess I inherited from Bush. And everyone knows the Israelis don’t have any oil, so why the hell should I step up for them? I mean, what do they want me to do? (reluctantly) I guess I’ll have to send George Mitchell over there again.
RAHMBO (muttering under his breath): Yeah, THAT’s gonna do a lot of good.
OBAMA (sharply): What was that?
RAHMBO: Nothing, Mr. President. Next message!
(RAHMBO hits “Play”)
RED PHONE: Message deleted. Next message. From: Mahmoud Achmadenijad.
ACHMADINNERJACKET’S VOICE: Good afternoon, Mr. President. Thank you so very much for giving us till the end of the year to finish developing our nuclear weapons. Your friendship truly means everything to me. As we agreed, I promise not to accidentally irradiate any oil fields when I bomb Israel into the Stone Age. Salaam Aleikhem.
(RAHMBO’s face turns pale.)
OBAMA (reassuringly): Don’t worry about him, Rahm. You know he’s crazy! I never agreed to any such thing. I promise nothing will happen to Israel – not on my watch.
RAHMBO (charmed and calmed, as always, by OBAMA): Oh, thank God. Delete?
OBAMA: Absolutely!
(RAHMBO presses a button.)
RED PHONE: Final message. From: Kim Jong-Il.
KIM JONG-IL’S VOICE: Hello, Leader of the corrupt Western imperialist country United States of America! I, Kim Jong-Il, say to you: You are powerless to stop the great and glorious nation of Korea from developing nuclear weapons. We will do as we wish and you cannot stop us. South Korea will soon be ours. Neener, neener, neener. (The phone beeps.)
OBAMA: Did he say “Neener neener neener?” What a douchebag. (rising) Well, time to get ready for my party tonight. We’re having pheasant, and I get to wear my presidential socks! (OBAMA begins to leave the room.)
RAHMBO: Barack, wait! (OBAMA turns and faces him with a quizzical look.) Don’t you have some kind of response to this challenge? These guys say they have nukes and our guys are in danger!
OBAMA: You know, Rahmbo, you’re right. Let me think for a moment.
(OBAMA moves back to the chair, sits, and assumes a thoughtful pose. He does not move for quite some time. Finally, RAHMBO clears his throat.)
RAHMBO: Hellooooo, Barack? (OBAMA snaps out of his reverie.) Have you made a decision?
OBAMA (puzzled): About what?
RAHMBO (rolling his eyes): North Korea, Mr. President.
OBAMA (smiling again): Oh, right, right. Sorry – as my fans would say, I was playing eleven-dimensional chess on Pluto again!
RAHMBO: In other words, you and Halle in the hot tub? (They share a manly laugh.) So, what about it?
OBAMA (completely uninterested): Um, do I have a North Korea Special Envoy yet?
RAHMBO: No, Mr. President.
OBAMA: Shit. Oh well. It’s really up to the United Nations, I’m told. What can I do? I’ll have Favreau write me a speech about stepped-up sanctions, or whatever. Later!
(OBAMA exits. RAHMBO puts his head in his hands in despair. Then, he pulls out his cell phone and dials a number. The RED PHONE rings four times, then the message plays back.)
RED PHONE (in OBAMA’s voice): Hi, this is the President. I’m leading the free world and can’t get your call right now, so leave a message after the beep.
(The machine beeps.)
RAHMBO: Hi, this is Rahm Emanuel. I’m resigning as Chief of Staff. I can’t believe how fucking incompetent you are. I hope the Republicans impeach you. You suck worse than a broken Hoover. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
(The RED PHONE beeps. EMANUEL pauses, savoring the precious moment of freedom. Then, his shoulders droop. He walks over to the RED PHONE and presses a button.)
RED PHONE: Message one. From: Rahm Emanuel. Deleted.
(EMANUEL bows his head.)
(LIGHTS OUT.)
30 Responses to "President Obama Answers the Red Phone: A Play in One Uncaring Act."
May 29, 2009 at 4:34 PM
Thanks, lililam! I hope for a rebellion as well, for ONCE, from the liberal side instead of from the “centrist” (i.e., rightwing) side of the Party.
We shall see indeed!
May 29, 2009 at 4:45 PM
Great one again, madamab! But you are giving Rahm much too much credit for integrity. I personally believe he is the “new Cheney” running things out of there while President Prom King makes the rounds. Other than that, another homerun!
May 29, 2009 at 4:48 PM
PJ – How much integrity does he have? He doesn’t quit. He gets upset but can’t seem to let go of the power and privilege.
He may very well be the Cheney, but we just don’t know. I personally think Cheney is still the Cheney. He certainly seems to be doing much better with Obama in office than he did with Bush in office, eh? Things that make you go “hmmmmm….”
May 29, 2009 at 5:13 PM
I put a comment at the end of the last thread about a great article about Bill on the NY Times website. Long read but well worth it.
May 29, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Very good madamab. Barry says he’s already the best President since FDR, but among his many other empty promises, he has no national security policy. He’s sending more troops to Afghanistan and Pakistan, settling in to Iraq for another decade, planning to apologize to the Germans for bombing the Nazis, talking about a two state solution but can’t convince the PA to recognize Israel right to exist, not doing much else to help. Iran is mocking him, North Korea is mocking him, hell, his Defense Secretary is taunting him. He’s bouncing around the country campaigning for 2012, while Hillary is making friends and calming the world. He should let Hillary take over foreign policy, but nooo, he want to sit on the can but do nothing. It’s the same with Geithner and Sheila Bair. Schoolboys Barry and Timmy should get out of the way before they hurt themselves so Hillary and Sheila can do what is necessary. The women just want to do their jobs, the boys are more interested in taking credit. How much longer with this charade. He only cares about himself, nobody else. Can’t remember the last time we’ve had such an egotist in the WH. Maybe Nixon.
May 29, 2009 at 5:22 PM
Latda, from thread below:
I have to admit that I don’t believe we are all born bisexual. If that were true, why would so many gay people know they’re gay at a very early age?
As for me, I have never been attracted to a woman, although Gawd knows I wish I could be sometimes! Even as a very small girl I was chasing after da boyz. Sigh.
May 29, 2009 at 5:28 PM
madamab said
(snip)
As for me, I have never been attracted to a woman, although Gawd knows I wish I could be sometimes! Even as a very small girl I was chasing after da boyz. Sigh.
Such a slut! Oy! 
May 29, 2009 at 5:28 PM
Great play Madam.
The scary thing is that it is based on truth.
We have two narcissistic crazies with nuclear weapons.
One country with nothing to lose and the other with a know-nothing at the helm.
WOMEN WITH INTELLIGENCE AND EXPERIENCE, MEN WHO SUPPORT THEM AND COUNTRY BEFORE PARTY ALWAYS
PUMAS,BUBBAS,EQUALISTS AND THOSE PEOPLE RULE
May 29, 2009 at 5:40 PM
Very good, yet disheartening, description of the status quo, 3W. I agree that the shining stars thus far are the two women you reference, however, I am disappointed in Hillary’s recent remarks re: “natural growth” of the legal settlements.I will leave it at that and assume that she would not have made such a statement if she were in charge.
May 29, 2009 at 5:43 PM
TD called me intollerant…I am intollerant of trolls and right wingers if he/she is neither then TD needs to act with more respect to us old timers…..
Google me and see I have never supported Pampers/TheOne?/TOTUS’s Slave/ aka BO
May 29, 2009 at 5:44 PM
oh add anti semites and bigots and Homophobes and misogynist too have no tollerance for them either…BO falls into all those groups too I believe!
May 29, 2009 at 5:49 PM
To paraphrase Winston Churchill about the state of affairs on the hill and Pampers legislative agenda….
Never has a minority party flexed so much power
so quickly against
so many in the majority
with such disasterous effect…
so much for the Pampers taunt I won you lost…LOL
May 29, 2009 at 6:00 PM
what happens is Texas stands up to Pampers and suceedes from the Union Pampers sends iin the military and guess what…they go to Texas turn around and invade in the opposite direction.
Pampers gives a great speech and relizes he has lost all of the country west of the missippi and it looks like the the generals will be toasting victory over a defeated Omerica by christmas in the east room…
Try as they might the Obamabots wqere no T-800 and the tanks and Choppers of “Greater Texas” mow them down….
TOTUS and Obama surrender officially and unconditionally on 12/25/2009.
America is saved!
May 29, 2009 at 6:59 PM
On that other security topic, have the Palestinian Authority stated officially that they want a two state solution, and is Hamas on board with that. I don’t know. If so, how sincere is that desire when Hamas categorically denies the right of Israel to exist. Do they desire peace, or conflict. I have no sympathy for terrorists and suicide bombers who kill civilians. Whether it happens in Pakistan or Israel, what is the goal. The only thing I’ve seen consistently stated by the Islamic fundamentalists is an eternal jihad against world Jewry, crusaders and any Muslims who support them. How can anyone, regardless of politics, sympathize with that.
Hillary, like Mitchell and Emamuel, appears to be moderating a process to keep the door open for peace. It is Israel’s door and their perogative what they do with it. But is there a viable and willing Palestinian leadership.
May 29, 2009 at 7:47 PM
Love your plays, MadamaB, but I think you give Obie too much credit. I doubt if anybody consults him at all until it’s time to give him his schedule and script.
May 29, 2009 at 8:08 PM
Madamab, I’m always ambivalent about your plays. On the one hand they are written well and are very dramatic. On the other hand, they are so depressing, although I can’t not read them.
I wish you had better subject material to draw from. I wish you were writing plays that started like this:
Madam President sits down at her desk in the oval office…
May 29, 2009 at 8:21 PM
MB, I have a good doctor friend who is a Psychoanalyst. He has really good taste in sipping tequila and a very fine single malt scotch collection. When I drink his fine scotch and he talks his “everyone is born bisexual” it just makes so much darn sense. He says we are out of it by toddler stage so most of us never know.
I enjoyed the play, but I bet the damned message machine is always full and no one even bothers to listen or even delete them. Maybe the speech writers so they can have some talking points.
May 29, 2009 at 8:26 PM
OMG! RuPaul as Barrie and Michelle!
http://www.popcrunch.com/rupaul-barack-obama-michelle-obama-picture/
May 29, 2009 at 8:54 PM
I know, Mawm! I wish I could write those plays too.
Cinie – I think Obama is just like Bush. He insists on being in control, or being treated that way. But he is so narcissistic that he is very easily manipulated by those who know how to do so.
In my mind, Obama would never consent to being treated in such a peremptory manner. His grandiosity would not permit it.
But hey, who knows what evil lurks….
May 29, 2009 at 9:02 PM
Just stopping in for some evening snark. Very witty, Madamab, though I do share Mawm’s ambivalence. Like good satire, your plays cut almost too close to the truth. “Snarling gibberish” is a great detail. It really captures Cheney’s nastiness.
May 29, 2009 at 9:07 PM
RuPaul? jeeze she should stick to her Dragrace Reality show
May 29, 2009 at 9:12 PM
So he’s just a trojan horse, not a manchurian candidate? Great madamab, you’ve just burst my bubble. I’m going out to catch a good suspense flick. Btw, is there any homework for the weekend, or just show up to class.
May 29, 2009 at 9:14 PM
I am watching Maddow. Did anyone hear what G. Gordy Liddy said about Sotomayor. Something like, “I hope she doesn’t have to make any decisions when she is menstruating.” Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
May 29, 2009 at 9:27 PM
Latda, I just saw an email from PumaPac about Liddy’s comments. This is what Murphy wrote: “Today on his radio program the notorious Watergate criminal G. Gordon Liddy made several racist remarks about Spanish-speaking people and attacked Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor as a racist. He then went on to say about Sotomayor: “Let’s hope that the key conferences aren’t when she’s menstruating or something, or just before she’s going to menstruate. That would really be bad. Lord knows what we would get then.”
Read more here:
http://pumapac.org/2009/05/29/the-daily-pig-10/
Today’s PROWL is to contact Sirius Radio, XM Radio, and Fox News(Liddy is often on news panels at Fox) and tell them:
Fire G. Gordon Liddy!
There is absolutely no public forum in this country for such degrading and inflammatory hate speech against women.
Thank you and Good Luck,
Murphy.
May 29, 2009 at 9:53 PM
Jules-that just absolutely reeks! Arrrgghhh!!
You know…it’s never discussed about how many bad decisions men have made when being in a foul mood because the night before they couldn’t get it up for a romantic encounter. E.D. must be a (no pun intended) bigger problem than we think considering all the commercials, for Viagra, Cialis and Levitra!
I wonder how many times we’ve gone to war, invaded a country or whatever due to a non-performing weenie?
Comments are closed.
L 2012 – Support Your Local Lefties!
Top Stories – Google News
- Clinton blasts China, Russia over Syria - CBS News February 25, 2012
- Iran has expanded sensitive nuclear work: UN agency - Reuters February 25, 2012
- For Romney, a Message Lost in the Empty Seats - New York Times February 25, 2012
Recent Comments
 | madamab on New Year’s Eve Widdershi… |
 | Eddie on New Year’s Eve Widdershi… |
 | HT on New Year’s Eve Widdershi… |
| madamab on New Year’s Eve Widdershi… |
| madamab on Happy New Year – We… |
May 29, 2009 at 4:17 PM
Wow, madamab, I think this is your best yet (well, I guess we always say that!). Unfortunately, way too realistic, and I definitely anticipated the very last scene, where Rahmbo loses his nerve. If only someone will rise up. We shall see.