(THE SCENE: A bland corporate building – it could be anywhere in any large city in America. We see, downstage right, a plain wooden door in a frame, adorned with a golden “P”. Beyond it is a conference room, featureless, yet rather on the opulent side, with one golden “P” on the back wall. Four figures in shapeless hooded robes, disguised with black and white masks and voice-altering devices, are seated in the sumptuous leather chairs, in various postures of impatience. Smoking cigars, drinking from brandy snifters, and looking at their watches can only keep them quiet for so long.)

PATRIARCH #1: (bursting out) Where the HELL is he!

PATRIARCH #2: Wait, wait – I’m getting a text. (looks down at his new iPhone 4, reading slowly aloud) “Can’t make it to the secret world domination thingy. Too much hard work. Catch you at Joe’s later for some brewskis. Heh-heh.”

PATRIARCH #3 (disbelievingly): Wait. Did he type “heh-heh”?

PATRIARCH #4: Of COURSE he did.

PATRIARCH #1 (disdainfully): I DESPISE these legacy appointments! In any case, we have a quorum. Shall we begin?

(All the PATRIARCHS gather around the conference room table.)

PATRIARCH #1: Well! I think we can be very pleased with the success of our Love Bomb strategy. Activist women’s organizations across the country have been totally overtaken by our conservative operatives, and as we planned, they have completely abandoned their previous fight for reproductive rights and the ERA, leaving only a few stray groups here and there pathetically attempting to hold on to their former relevancy. Now, there is nothing to stop us from  controlling all aspects of women’s lives!

(All the PATRIARCHS applaud wildly, except #4. He waits for the applause to die down, then raises his hand for attention.)

PATRIARCH #4: Eh, pardon me, but…speaking of these women’s organizations. I have been hearing a lot of hysterical screeching about (air quotes) “gender equity” from that quarter lately. We definitely do not want that – it has greatly decreased our power in other countries.

PATRIARCH #1: Oh, I agree, #4, believe me! That’s why our Love Bomb Strategy has a Phase II: Operation ConservaFem!

All PATRIARCHS: OOOOOOH!

(PATRIARCH #1 picks up a remote from the conference room table and points it at the back wall. Panels part to reveal a giant plasma flat screen, with a Google Search page showing on it.)

PATRIARCH #1: Read it and rejoice, my friends. Look at all the stories about how women won all the major primaries on June 8th! And who are these women? They’re OUR women! Nikki Haley, Carly Fiorina, Meg Whitman, Sharron Angle – not a feminist among ‘em! And what will they do? ExACTLY as we tell them!

PATRIARCH #3 (interrupting): Excuse me, #1, but that’s not what I see. I see that Blanche Lincoln won too, and she’s always been pretty solidly pro-choice. How can you call it a victory for us when women like that are still winning elections? And worst of all, what about the fact that people are giving that evil witch Hillary Clinton props for making it all possible?

PATRIARCH #1 (proudly): Thank you, #3. Thank you for confirming that this plan is PERFECT! (gets up and leans, relaxed and confident, on the back of his chair) You see, thanks to our friend President Obama’s Executive Order, there are no longer any women in Congress willing to stand up for reproductive rights. None! Any one of them could have stopped that Health Insurance Industry Giveaway from going forward. They knew about the Nelson Amendment, which is being used now to deny private insurance companies from providing abortion coverage; they knew that Stupak would prevail somehow, whether with his Amendment or with an Executive Order. And yet, not one of them was willing to risk her cushy little job to keep women from having to bow down to us. It’s fantastic! And best of all, those former Clinton voters who switched to McCain will line up like little lemmings behind this Patriarchal group of poseurs – because they’re women! That’s why invoking Clinton’s name is all part of our plan – it subtly reminds women that they should vote all-ConservaFem, all the time.

PATRIARCH #3 (reverently): Holy Mother of Us!

PATRIARCH #1: Indeed! The Republicans are 100% on board with our plan, and have committed to making sure that they put forth as many women candidates as they can for every election cycle going forward. Can you believe it, the Democrats STILL don’t get it, and keep throwing all these MEN into the mix?! Those guys are absolutely hopeless sometimes.

PATRIARCH #4: Ha! No wonder we usually back the Republicans. At least they have the balls – or ovaries, ha ha ha! – to do whatever it takes to go after what WE want!

ALL PATRIARCHS except #4: Hear, hear!

PATRIARCH #2: So, let me see if I understand this…the idea is that gender equity won’t make any difference in America because we’ll control all the women?

PATRIARCH #1 (a bit annoyed by #2′s concision): Well, erm, yes. If you want to put it CRUDELY.

PATRIARCH #3: Well, I think it’s just brilliant. #1, you’ve done it again!

(ALL PATRIARCHS applaud, then take drinks of their brandy in celebration.)

PATRIARCH #2 (taking a puff of his cigar):  You know, it’s too bad #5 wasn’t here. He really would have loved this scheme. That is, once I gave him the short version.

(ALL snicker.)

PATRIARCH #4: No worries, #2. We’ll see him in Kennebunkport this summer.

ALL PATRIARCHS TOGETHER: PARTY!

(LIGHTS OUT.)